With those concepts in mind, I made a list of the candidates and compared them to popular comic book characters. Harmless parody, you say? No. From now on I am going to attempt to hypnotize myself into believing that this list is trenchant political commentary and this race is really between Thor and Captain Marvel and therefore isn't really goddamn happening.
Let's start with Hillary "Her vagina makes her weak, unless it's got teeth, in which case I'm terrified that it will bite off America's penis" Clinton. Of course she's Wonder Woman. They're both women, right? They're totally like sisters! Let's talk at length about their emotions and their periods and their hair and totally ignore the fact that one's a divinely powered lesbian warrior and one's as smart as all goddamn hell and has live, breathed, and fucked politics for the last thirty years of her life. Quick, someone write an opinion piece in Time about their panties.
Like Spider-Man, Barack Obama is beloved by many. He's a smart, talented, caring guy with everybody's best interest at heart, whether it's pulling the troops out of Iraq or hitting Doctor Octopus in the head with mailbox. Also like Spider-Man, Obama really isn't all that impressive. Sure, he moves us, but he's only served one Senate term and he can't even fly. When the shit really hits the fan in the Marvel universe, you want one of the cosmically-powered heavy hitters standing between you and total, mind-blowing peril, not some kid from Queens (or a junior senator).
I'm sure that Rudy Giuliani did many incredibly worthwhile things during his tenure as mayor of New York, things that completely offset the fact that he paid for his girlfriend's apartment with city funds, crippled the emergency response network, and fired the best chief of police that New York ever had because he was getting too much attention. I also understand that the Kingpin gave generously to many charities, and never actually killed Daredevil. Anyway, they're both from New York and they both suck.
Do you see that lightening? Do you see it? You better take a good long look at it, because come January 2009 Mike Huckabee is going to use it to smite the living crap out of all our unrighteous asses and then lead the worthy on the goddamn jihad. I don't have a problem with being Christian. I also don't have a problem with Odin. What I do have a problem with is the power of the gods being used to influence public policy, be it the decision to ban abortion or the decision to hammer the living bagoogoo out of Doctor Doom. Separation of church and state, people.
Man, Jessica Jones was an awesome character in a great book that not enough people read. Man, Dennis Kucinich is an awesome senator with a great message that not enough people care about. The similarities pretty much end there, as she's an sexy, ass-kicking drunk and he's a weeny-tiny post-hippie peacenik, but the whole flawed situation really speaks to the need to think outside the box, whether comic book or ballot, because one day all the alternatives are going to vanish completely because of lack of attention and we're going to be left all alone with the fucker who's coming up next.
Wasn't it enough that you were a billionaire industrialist, Iron Man? Did you really have to build yourself an invulnerable suit and go out and fight crime? Couldn't you just have used your vast fortune to effect social change and nip those super-criminals in their childhood buds? And now you're the head of S.H.I.E.L.D, too. Wasn't the massive fortune enough for you? Do you really, absolutely have to a phenomenal level of power as well? Power you don't really deserve?And, in addition to his staggering similarities to Tony "Kind of a Douche, Really" Stark, Mitt Romney hates gay people and presided over the Big Dig.
There's nothing wrong with Captain Marvel. He's got all kinds of nifty powers, a long, impressive resume of winning bouts with nasty bad guys, an outfit with a lightning bolt on it, even, but for some reason he's just not bringing the people in the door. John Edwards has had a distinguished Senate career, he's a Southern Democrat, and he's got a lovely wife and some hot daughters. Still, somehow, he can't get them in the door. Which is too bad, really, because I'd much rather have a magical flying uber-man between me and the space monsters than that punk kid from the Daily Bugle.
Who the hell is Ron Paul? What does he believe in? Is he really a fascist? Does he actually have a plan for abolishing income tax? Where did his vast fortune come from, and how come I've never heard of him? Why is he the king of the internet? Am I really seeing my hands melt, or could that be from his awesome powers of illusion? Is that a fishbowl, or the physical manifestation of his unbreakable Libertarian philosophy? Why is it so easy to compare a presidential candidate with a genuine shot at winning to a B-list Spider-Man villain? There are no answers. There is only Ronsterio.In conclusion, I'm moving to Canada and I'm taking the X-Men with me. Good night.
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