Correspondence

Dear New Year's Resolution,

Shut up, I can still make 365 posts. I'm just going to double up on some days. It's going to be awesome.

Guiltily,
Emily

Dear gigantic fucking bastard who broke into our apartment and stole all of Mark's stuff while we were goddamn in Hawaii, you fucking massive yeti bastard,

It was so considerate of you to keep your gloves and not get your dirty fingerprints all over the apartment. Likewise, it was enormously thoughtful of you to leave your gigantic footprint on our couch so we would have something to remember you by. I hope you enjoy the XBOX 360 and the games; we had had it for about three months, and you must have assumed we were getting bored with it. Mark is touched that you took the time to rummage through all of his possessions; he's been collecting those video games since he was about twenty, and I know he wanted them to have a good home. Of course, without the fifty or so games you took the PlayStation 2 was useless, so it was really very considerate for you to take it with you and save us the trouble of finding a place for it in the closet, which, by the way, looks so much better now that you've taken everything out of it and stacked it on the floor. The one downside is that your new laptop needs to go to the shop for repairs, but I'm sure the trip there will pass really quickly while you're listening to your new iPod with your new headphones, playing your lovingly maintained new GameBoy Advance. Mark will be happy to recommed some songs for you, if you're a little lost. Oh, and what really touched me? The way that, after you rummaged through my nightstand, you carefully placed my vibrator on the bed, just to prove that you'd touched it. If you happen to stop by again, be sure and take that with you. I'm done with it. Good luck at the pawn shops, and I hope that you can score yourself some really nice crack, you know, the good stuff, the kind your Mom used to cook down.

Hoping you get raped in prison,

Emily

Dear Island of Maui,

Wow, that sure was fun. You'll have to tell me where you got your breathtaking tropical beauty, because I'd love to pick some up for the apartment. We have a little extra room now, and I think a black sand beace would look great in the office. iI loved what you did with the verdant, mist-shrouded mountains, and the miles and miles of perfect beaches and sparkling oceans were a really inspired touch. Initially I wasn't quite sure about all those twisty mountain roads you sent me down, and those one lane hairpin turns definitely gave me pause, but really, the heart-stoppingly lovely views and the awesome volcanic crater more than made up for it. (Mark especially enjoyed the parts where it looked we were going to plummet to our deaths. Kudos!) Tell the whales that how happy we were that they decided to swing by; all that leaping has really paid off, their flukes look great. (Oh, and just a quick aside to that fish I met snorkelling: Call me. We can make it work.)

Thanks for a great time,
Emily