Friday, January 2, 2009

What I Talk About When I Talk About 2008

Instead of the 365 posts I had originally planned for, I actually came up with 27. So that's 7.3% of my goal. My new rallying cry is "2009: Double digits or bust!".

Rejected rallying cries have included "2009: Don't be stupid, of course it can get worse", "2009: Karma is a bitch", "2009: No crying in public!", and my personal favorite "2009: The chickens come home to roost".

As I've said before, at glorious, gin-soaked, runny-nosed length, this year sucked moose cock. All the moose cocks, actually. In fact, I honestly believe that is safe to say that 2008 performed oral sex on every single male mammal in the Western hemisphere. And it used its teeth. But it wasn't all bad, Emily, comes the reply. No, it wasn't all bad. Here's the good stuff that happened:

1.) I went to Hawaii. It was awesome and gorgeous and awesome and I saw a bunch of whales and went snorkelling and drove a minivan up the side of a volcano. I didn't believe that there were really places that beautiful in the world, and now I do.

2.) Obama won. Praise Jesus, Obama won. After sweating bullets of pure blood for two goddamn years, our man finally won and now he's going to ride in on a unicorn and save us all.

3.) My friends were great. All of you, and you know who you are, who called and emailed and facebooked and came to New York to visit and kept on hanging in there when it would have been just as easy to go to ground and lose my number, thank you. It was a long year, and you were there to help me through it.

4.) I kept one of my New Year's goals from last year, and saw a bunch of bands this year, most of whom had "radio" in their names. 2008 was a good year, at least, for my music collection.

5.) Speaking of collections, who's got two thumbs and all the goddamn cousins in Beautiful Katamari? This girl, baby. Shut up, it's a major achievement.

6.) I worked really, really hard. Despite everything, I'm proud of the work I did, I'm proud of the money I raised, and I'm very proud of the appeals I wrote and the events I ran. I do the work that I do because I believe in our cause and I'm committed to our mission, and I know that the work I've done this year has contributed to it.

And the bad stuff? Blah blah blah lonely, sad, boyfriend left, family is crazy, job sucks, christ it's cold, Sarah Palin is not a feminist, no sex ever again ever, I miss New Orleans, crazy boss, here I know I'll have a panic attack, did I mention lonely?, no raise, no promotion, overdraft fees, everyone is so far away, what's that light outside my window, all I did was stuff envelopes and cry, blah blah blah fishcakes. Let's try and put all this unpleasantness behind us, shall we?

2009's Goals, Resolutions, and Things to Keep in Mind

1.) You have to save yourself before you can save the world.

2.) Three drinks is plenty. Really.

3.) Take everything off autopay.

4.) It's not my responsibility to take care of people. They can take care of themselves, and if they can't, there's no time like the present to learn.

5.) Keep going to the gym.

6.) Cry less. Swear more. Get the hell out of this town.

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