Why I hate Zach Braff: A Manifesto

(Author's note: I saw the trailer for Mysteries of Pittsburgh, and flew directly off the handle. We should all be used to this by now.)

Here's the story: Character X loses their job, their live-in leaves them, and the only thing they have to comfort them is their quirky sense of humor, their indie street-cred, and their group of super-wacky friends. But hey, you say, awesome, because that's cool, they're Michael Cera, they're Seth Rogen, they're Zach Braff, and now they'll just go on a voyage of self-discovery and get a very pretty girlfriend. It's not their fault, it's the system. No one taught them how to be adults, let alone adult men, so they get a bye. They can look how they want, act how they want, abdicate any sort of human responsibility they want, it's cool.

Now imagine they're a chick.

She couldn't hack it at her job? Too bad, deadbeat. She's not...shall we say...conventionally attractive? I'll bet she finds some gorgeous, sensitive guy to burn her CD's and love her for herself! Too fucking bad, he's nailing Mena Suvari in another movie. She's angry at the status quo, she can't find herself, she's got a huge stack of comic books and Frank Zappa vinyls, she makes jokes no one gets. Crazy. Goddamn. Bitch.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of the artists of our generation forgetting that there's another half of us, who are expected to suck it up and carry on, who don't get the benefit of Holden Caulfielding-out, who don't give a shit about Gossip Girl or who the hell isn't that into them, because let me tell you, it's everyone, who are getting by on the scraps and patches of these bullshit indie-rock fantasies in which every girl is beautiful and loves you for being an endearing loser and makes you mix-tapes, and can't find the story of themselves in anything.

I want someone to make my movie.