In times like these, I find that I get the best advice from the device closest to my heart, my faithful IPod. (In case you want to play along at home, you ask the IPod a question, hit shuffle, and do your best to interpret the results.)
1.) How will the election turn out?
John Lennon - Woman is the Nigger of the World
We're completely and totally fucked.
2.) What do my friends really think of me?
Handsome Boy Modeling School (feat. Cat Power) - I've Been Thinking
Well, they apparently do think about me a lot, and they can put down some pretty sick beats, which is a nice quality in a friend.
3.) How will I handle being single?
Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex.
I swear to God, sometimes I think the damn thing is laughing at me.
4.) Do I really need all these books?
Beck - The New Pollution
Don't throw them out and start the new pollution? The books are the new pollution? Sometimes the oracle isn't entirely clear.
5.) Am I a good sister?
Bonnie "Prince" Billy - Madeline-Mary
Like now, for example. I think this song is about a woman who drowns sailors.
6.) What's the meaning of life?
Led Zeppelin - Tangerine
Love? Regret? Remembering people?
7.) Will I ever have children?
Alice in Chains - Rooster
Yes, and they will be exactly like David Sedaris' brother. Don't fuck with the Rooster!
8.) How is my career going?
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
According to the song, I know I won't be leaving here, which is pretty much true. Also, I think I might hate this song and I'm taking it off my IPod.
9.) Should I stay in Albany?
The Beatles - And I Love Her
She gives me everything, and tenderly. And the kiss that she brings? She brings to me. I am totally gay for Albany.
10.) What should I wear to JazzFest?
Cypress Hill - Roll It Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up
It doesn't matter, I will be high.
11.) Do boys like me?
Beastie Boys - So What'cha Want
I don't goddamn know. I think I'm losing my mind this time, this time, I think I'm losing my mind.
12.) Have we reached peak oil? (Yes, I genuinely worry about this.)
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
No! Of course not! There is nothing wrong with our American way of life!
13.) Should I keep writing?
The Band - Long Black Veil
This song is about a man who lets himself be hung for a crime he didn't commit in order to hide the fact that he had an affair with his best friend's wife, who then visits his grave in the titular long black veil. I could write a damn book on the different ways to take this, so I'm going to assume it's a yes.
14.) How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Los Lobos - Shakin' Shakin' Shakes
Clearly, the answer is vibrators.
15.) Am I an effective activist?
Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover
Either I'm a badass virtuoso activist, or I should throw myself off a cliff.
18.) Will I ever get married?
David Bowie - Eight Line Poem
David Bowie thinks that all the cacti need homes. Following the thought through to its logical conclusion, um, yes, and I will also keep a shop.
16.) Should I do more for my family?
Janet Jackson (feat. Q-Tip) - Got Till It's Gone
Not really what I wanted to hear, IPod. Not really what I wanted to hear at all.
17.) How about the blog? Keep it up?
The Grey Album - Allure
Oh, totally.
19.) Am I trying too hard?
B.W. Stevenson - My Maria
No, I'm not. I'm a "gypsy lady" and a "miracle worker".
20.) What do you really think of me, ITunes?
The Commitments - I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)
Damn straight.
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