Why I hate Zach Braff: A Manifesto

(Author's note: I saw the trailer for Mysteries of Pittsburgh, and flew directly off the handle. We should all be used to this by now.)

Here's the story: Character X loses their job, their live-in leaves them, and the only thing they have to comfort them is their quirky sense of humor, their indie street-cred, and their group of super-wacky friends. But hey, you say, awesome, because that's cool, they're Michael Cera, they're Seth Rogen, they're Zach Braff, and now they'll just go on a voyage of self-discovery and get a very pretty girlfriend. It's not their fault, it's the system. No one taught them how to be adults, let alone adult men, so they get a bye. They can look how they want, act how they want, abdicate any sort of human responsibility they want, it's cool.

Now imagine they're a chick.

She couldn't hack it at her job? Too bad, deadbeat. She's not...shall we say...conventionally attractive? I'll bet she finds some gorgeous, sensitive guy to burn her CD's and love her for herself! Too fucking bad, he's nailing Mena Suvari in another movie. She's angry at the status quo, she can't find herself, she's got a huge stack of comic books and Frank Zappa vinyls, she makes jokes no one gets. Crazy. Goddamn. Bitch.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of the artists of our generation forgetting that there's another half of us, who are expected to suck it up and carry on, who don't get the benefit of Holden Caulfielding-out, who don't give a shit about Gossip Girl or who the hell isn't that into them, because let me tell you, it's everyone, who are getting by on the scraps and patches of these bullshit indie-rock fantasies in which every girl is beautiful and loves you for being an endearing loser and makes you mix-tapes, and can't find the story of themselves in anything.

I want someone to make my movie.

So I went on vacation...

And I came back and I lost my job. For reasons that I mostly don't want to talk about because, well, mostly I don't want to talk about them. I loved my job, I loved our mission, but I don't think anyone that talked to me over the last year missed the fact that there were problems, and it's an understatement to say that I'm not relieved to be done with them.

So I'm unemployed, and it's weird. For the longest time now, I've just been throwing myself into problems, pushing past everything that happened, and this is a really sudden period of enforced inactivity. Yes, I'm worried about my career, of course I'm worried about money, but I think more than anything I'm overwhelmed by finally having to take the time to think. I can now, within a certain amount of reason, go anywhere I want. Of course, New Orleans is at the top of the list. I have no reason now not to go back. I can start my life over, anywhere I want.

And I went back to Rhode Island for a while. I can't help but think of the last time I was at my mother's house without a job, three years ago, and boy, is that ever something I don't want to relive. It's different now, though. For one thing, there is, I can't help thinking, the chance that I might actually be able to get another job. Shocking, I know.

Some things I've learned about unemployment:

1.) America's Next Top Model is always on TV. Always.
2.) There are some jobs that no one is qualified for. Show me the person who can run the accounting department, the IT department, and the development department for an entire organization, and do it part-time, and do it for less than 30K a year, and I will show you Aladdin's goddamn genie.
3.) Job websites do not update faster than I can apply for jobs. I applied for 25 yesterday, and now I don't have anything to do today.
4.) Having bronchitis is an excellent way to avoid boredom. Also, see number 1.
5.) Tyra Banks becomes exponentially more annoying as the seasons progress. If they get to season 20, we're going to have to nuke Los Angeles to save society as we know it.
6.) I find having unrealistic goals for my enforced down time helpful. This week's goals have included: writing a novel, becoming an Iron Man, becoming a commercial fisherman, joining the NYPD, becoming an eco-terrorist, or going rogue and becoming a hitman.
7.) Or an X-man. I would love being an X-Man.

And with that thought, I'm out. I think it's the good season of ANTM at 2.